OMG Clarvinda, I was DYING to put a photo on Instagram today. Like DYING like honestly almost went to the hospital and told them I was on the verge of DEATH because I wasn't BREATHING because I was DYING to put a photo on Instagram. So of course I made breakfast - my classic toast dish - and I wanted to show people how great this dish is really badly by putting in on instagram, but how would they ever stand to look at it in its natural state? So I had to walk myself ALL the way over to the counter, rip out a paper towel, walk ALL the way back to the kitchen table, and slowly brush off the sides of the plates so there weren't any crumbs. Then I realized, sometimes plates have crumbs on them! So I - being the natural artist that I am - places 8.25 crumbs back on to the plate in aesthetically pleasing positions. I then realized that this is wheat toast - not white toast - and therefore was reacting to the interior lighting of my house in a different way than was expected. I immediately ran to the garage to find a change of bulbs, but of course that bitch BRUNO had taken them all to use for his "bedroom." I can't wait until he moves out. So I came BACK to the kitchen table and had an epiphany - everyone loves photos that are outside! I picked up my plate and raced out the door, balancing the toast and crumbs so neither would lose their perfect positioning. I placed the toast right next to the PRETTIEST bush I could find, but then took a second glance at the bush - and remembered that no one likes bush. I don't like bush, that's for sure, and I'm pretty sure bushes haven't been popular since the 60s. Bushes went out of style fast - so the fact that I had one was immediately troublesome. What was I to do? There was but one solution - shave the bush. But did I have big enough clippers to handle all that bushiness? As a matter of fact I did - because the only person I know who has a bush is BRUNO (that bitch) and I know that he keeps his weed whacker hidden for bush-shearing purposes only. I snuck into his room and grabbed the weed whacker, came back downstairs, ready to get rid of this bush once and for all, and then looked down...THE PLATE WAS EMPTY!!! I couldn't believe it! Some rodent must have taken advantage of my absence and snuck away with my perfectly groomed plate of toast. Needless to say, I went to work on that bush, and the stump behind it has never looked so good.
(Tags: Brent Pella Bruno Toast Comedy Writing UCSB UC Santa Barbara IMDB Film Music Video News Article)
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